he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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