U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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