ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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