She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
