; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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