Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
