Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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