apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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