How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
