you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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