READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
