Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
