love makes seman taste better
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
