She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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