when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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