I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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