If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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