I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
