screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize