He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
