U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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