ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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