You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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