I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize