its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
