This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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