you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
