doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
