So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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