So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
