apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize