he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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