dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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