I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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