its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
