I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
