had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
