I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
