My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
