There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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