I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
