I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Found your dick twin last night
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
