I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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