im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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