Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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