im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
