my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
