He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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