Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
