If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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