I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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