You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
