imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
