But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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