the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
