I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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