I am spending my child support on dildos
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Randomize
