His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Screwed.edu
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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