I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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