I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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