Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my being single is dangerous.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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