I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
